The E! True Hollywood Story: Advent Children
by danikeleher
Summary: I went there. The E! True Hollywood story of Advent Children.
1. Chapter 1

**The E True Hollywood Story: Advent Children. What Really Happened.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own E, their Hollywood stories... And I don't own Advent Children. I really don't own anything except for catchy punchlines. And I don't own a Christmas Carol.**

_Annoying Narrator voice (ANV): Final Fantasy VII was released sometime in the ninties. Not really sure when though. Cloud was one of the best know hero-_

_Aerith: PSSSSH._

_ANV: What? I'm narrating! Butt out, asshole!_

_Aerith: He's not a hero... HE LET ME DIE._

_ANV:_ _There's a reason for that! Anyhow. This is the E True Hollywood Story: Advent Children. What Really happened._

----------------

**A large ugly red lion with a flaming tail runs out onto an even uglier rock.**

_Random fan: Wait... If the ugly red lion dies, will another lion get its tail set on fire?_

Red XIII (Ugly Red Lion): RAWRRRR!

**-----------------------------**

Reno: I love watching porn on my helicopter scre-

Elena: Look at this!

Reno: I know, I mean look at the-

Tseng: Mhmm...

Elena: Not a pretty sight, is it?

Reno: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? THE-

Tseng: Reno. Bring the damn chopper down here. I wanna see what you're watching! NOW. BRING THE PORN TO ME.

Reno: You got it.

**BOOM**

Elena:.. Wait... Did you let the.. firecrackers off, Tseng?

Tseng: Hehehe.

Elena: I thought we were going to use those tonight! Have a special occasion! Reno, HURRY, RENO!

Tseng: What the hell? Why is there a stripper cake down here!?

**BOOM. (Strippers had guns!)**

Elena: G-GETOUT!

Tseng: DAMN NO.

Reno: I will now. My porn might be disrupted!

----------------  
Marlene: The lifestream. A crappy waste of space. Or whatever. But that's what we call the river that surrounds our planet, giving life to the planet, and well.. us, unfortunately. I mean, i've always wondered, if it gives us life, does that mean that's what our blood is? Like... gross mako looking juice? I mean... Ew. Who'd wanna be a vampire for mako juice? But anyhow... Yeah, those Shinra people took the Lifestream and used it for something useful. Energy. It made my life like, ten times better. Who knew the crappy water is okay? People thought we were taking from the planet's life, but they're JACKASSES. Those Shinra people had a special group called SOLDIER. Not even 'soldiers'... with an s. Just SOLDIER. And it's capitalized too. That sucks. They don't even sound cool!

Aaaannywhoooo... There was this one SOLDIER, named Sephiroth...He was smarter, and hotter than all the rest. But he hated Shinra, cause they like, put cells in him, or whatever, that Jenova crap. So... he like hated everything.

There were alot of battles. For every battle, there was joy. Someone I hated went back to the lifestream too. She said I stole her hair, but CLEARLY she stole mine! OHYEAH, off-track...We used the lifestream as a weapon, another way to use the crap that we call water! All that greatness, of Aerith's death... it washed away, damnit! They told me she got killed by a rabid bunny. It's been two years since that story's come up. Look's like the planets mad that Aerith's death evidence was washed away too...

**Denzel hairflips.**

Marlene: They call it AIDS.Please. Don't let Denzel give me AIDS.

Denzel: Well, how does it look?

**Marlene likes Denzel's hair. He just got it done.**

**---------**

**Tifa looked at the dirty old man.**

Dirty old man: You have the goods?

Tifa: FOR THE LAST TIME, I RUN A BAR, NOT A FREAKING DRUG DEAL.

**Phone rings about five-hundred times, before Tifa finally picks it up.**

Denzel: Cloud... where ARE you? I want you to see my new haircut!

Tifa: Strife Delivery Service, you name i- **Tifa looked annoyed **Reno? What the hell? Stop trying to pick me up! YES. I remember you!

**Dumb wolf stands randomly. He thinks he's so cool, but the platypus is WAY cooler.**

Cloud: I'm so badass.

Cloud's Badass Cell Phone:Cloud. This is Tifa. Not Barrett. Don't ever make the mistake of saying i'm him again. But yes, Reno tried to pick me up. Go beat him up in Healin', even though you ignore my obvious feelings. Anyhow... How have you been?

**Cloud flips his rock hair, hair-gelled hair. Then he puts on the ugliest goggles i've ever seen. Has asthma attack. Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz kick over random sword.**

Kadaj: We're too sexy for that sword.

Yazoo: Why is my name oddly close to a condom company?

Kadaj: Because you're a manwhore.

Loz: Don't cry, Yazoo.

Yazoo: But... HE'S with brother.

Kadaj: Maybe not.

Loz: WAHHHH! **Is a huge baby, and an embarrassment to the other two hot men.**

Kadaj: HOLD on, brother's coming!

**Yazoo is totally sexy while trying to shoot Cloud. Loz is... Loz. Cloud is... wearing the ugly goggles. Until Yazoo shoots them off in a super-swift move. **

Kadaj: Don't tell me. You're leading me on! I think you DO have another woman there! No need to shout! I'm SICK of you! PUT THAT LITTLE BITCH ON!

**Yazoo and Loz make their vroom, vrooming noises while they pretend to drive motorcycles back up the hill.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Cloud drives to Healin' lodge, in his mo-ped. Goes into the shack thing, but first checks voice mail.**

Barrett's sexy message: What up, motha fucka? This is Barrett, and I AM the MAN. Beer, Cloud. I just found the biggest damn bar you'd ever seen! I'll see Marlene soon, and bring her back out here. You tell her, got it Spiky?!

Tifa's hot message: Hey, Cloud. Hurry out to Healin', Reno's trying to have phone sex with me. Be careful, okay?

**Cloud hairflips, and goes into shack.**

Reno: Hey baby! Want- WAIT. You ain't Tifa! OR Kadaj!

**Cloud pushes him out the door, and locks it behind him.**

Rude: Why am I bald? **Tries flipping hair, but doesn't succeed.**

Reno: Okay, okay. So you ARE hot.

Rufus: Good. You look like the model you used to be. You haven't lost your touch.

Cloud: Rufus Shinra? Do I feel sorry for you. No one wants you to model for them anymore.

Rufus: The day of the catwalk..

Cloud: What do you want from me?

Rufus: I managed to-

Cloud: Who were the sexy guys who tried to rape me?

Rufus: Before the catwalk colla-

Cloud: I'M LEAVING.

Rufus: We need your looks, Cloud.

Cloud: NOT. INTERESTED.

Rufus: I agknowledge that Shinra did the planet alot. It's without saying, that I put the world in the pornographic state it's in. It's my responsibility to set things right.

Reno: I CAN'T SEE CLOUD'S ASS.

Rufus: We did an investigation at Sephiroth's house.

Reno: YEP. At the Kitty Cat Club!

Rufus: What do you think we found? NOTHING. No sex toys. No naked strippers. Nothing. You can relax. But we were interrupted by the sexy group. Kadaj, and his gang.

Cloud: Kadaj.. Sexy group.

Rufus: They don't want us finishing what we started. What could they be thinking?

Cloud: What's this have to do with me?

Reno: Your our buddy, aren't cha?

Rufus: Kadaj's group is young, and horny. As dangerous as they come. We decided a hottie would help us.

Cloud: Too bad, i'm a delivery boy now.

Rufus: You're all I have. You are an ex-model, aren't you?

Cloud: To the fangirls. What's this about... HIM.

Rufus: He was the sexiest. You never know what he'll do next. You should help make it so only we can have him.

Cloud: But... I...

Reno: Comeon, Cloud. Together, we can rebuild the catwalk.

Cloud: NOT INTERESTED.

Rude+Rufus: RENO!


End file.
